12th July 2006

Dear Prime Minister,

It is with great satisfaction that I note that the extradition proceedings against Mr Gary McKinnon, Mr Babar Ahmad and the so called “Nat-West 3” are proceeding rapidly. I would like to congratulate you and your team for showing such outstanding leadership in this area. Ever since the 2003 UK-US extradition treaty was signed I have been eagerly anticipating the first set of extraditions of UK subjects to the USA.

Frankly I can’t stand bankers or computer nerds, so shipping as many of these people as possible off to the States is a fantastic idea. Outsourcing our justice system in this way is a brilliant solution to the overcrowding in the UK prison system and I commend you for your creativity in addressing the problem.

I am a little concerned however, that some of these men will spend a year or two sitting in a maximum security prison in Texas while they await trial. As you may be aware, the Texas prison system is one of the most brutal anywhere in the world, with 2 prisoner rapes reported every day. The Texas Department of Criminal Justice noted in a 1999 training manual that “three out of ten newly admitted offenders will be forcibly raped within 48 hours.” Between the period of 1996 and 2004, the number of alleged sexual assaults within the Texas prison system increased by 600%, while the prison population grew by only 20%. Now I’ve got no real problem sending the thieving bank managers off to jail without a trial, after all the interest rates on my credit card are proof enough of their crimes, but I do think that having them raped in a maximum security prison is a little harsh. Perhaps you could arrange for them to be sent to Guantanamo or one of the US’s secret gulags instead? I’m sure that they would all thank you for it – maybe Nat-West might sort you out a discount on your mortgage?

As for the alleged computer nerd, McKinnon, I want to see him shipped off as soon as possible. My computer once got infected by a virus and whilst I can’t be certain that it was the work of this McKinnon fellow, you can’t be sure can you? Also, I think that he may actually be some kind of a mastermind, a ringleader akin to that Osama chappy. McKinnon’s excuse that he was searching for secret files about UFO’s on the US Department of Defence computer systems is a cunning deception. By accessing their systems he forced the US DoD to take time out of fighting the Global War on Terror and instead spend time putting tedious passwords on their computers. This is the work of a crazed genius – he must be stopped!

The maximum US jail time for his crimes is 50 years, which is pathetic and in no way appropriate for an individual who has clearly displayed such reckless regard for human life and the sanctity of government computer systems. He has clearly terrorised and harassed the US government and he clearly hates freedom and must be sent to Guantanamo for trial by a military tribunal. After sitting there for 5 years or so, most of the time in solitary confinement, routinely being hung for the ceiling, occasionally taken out of his cell for a semi-drowning and then being forced to listen to the odd Eminem or Metallica album, I’m sure he’ll see the light and confess all. Maybe he’ll even inform his interrogators how I can get my corrupted files back. In this event, I’d be very grateful if you’d write to me and let me know, thanks in advance.

As for the case of Babar Ahmad, I’ve got no doubt that this man has nothing to fear from the US authorities, after all they have always displayed impartiality, respect for the rule of law, the highest standards of care for prisoners in their custody - especially those detained as part of the ongoing Global War on Terror. Mr Ahmad’s claims that he was assaulted by British policemen upon his initial arrest are so outrageous that we should not have to respond to them, I mean it’s just preposterous to think that a British copper would beat up a man in custody. I suggest you ensure he is shipped out without delay, preferably before the rabble rousing press have time to air any nasty rumors about his arrest. Perhaps the CIA could “render” him to an Eastern European country or to one of their gulags? That way you could avoid any of the inevitably damaging press attention surrounding his extradition.

Finally, my neighbour, Mr. Davis is Welsh and also an annoying moron. He routinely allows his cat to use my front lawn as a toilet and I’m sick of it. I complained to the Police but they tell me that this is a civil matter and that they can’t arrest him, which is disappointing. However, it is my understanding that although the British courts do not have the tools to deal this kind of terrorism, the US courts do! My plan is to write to the US embassy, inform them of his crimes (he occasionally says some quite rude things about President Bush, which I understand is illegal in the USA) and they will have him extradited. Then the anti-terrorist branch can arrest him, maybe rough him up a little and verbally abuse him, (I don’t ask for too much, just a little strangulation or something) and have him shipped out. The best thing about this plan is that Davis can’t even complain to the UK courts, its fool-proof! To this end, I’d very grateful if you could forward the appropriate contacts within the US embassy so that I can brief them on Davis’s crimes and get the ball rolling.

Yours faithfully,

Arthur J Bladderwait.

PS I note with concern that the meddling House of Lords and the House of commons has opposed the existing treaty, however I commend your steely determination to see American justice done, by insisting that the extraditions proceed. The thing I admire most about your leadership is your iron will and determination in the face of overwhelming public opinion. For me you are almost as great a leader as Mrs Thatcher, the original “Iron Lady”. I know that you had to make some concessions, like ensuring that the three gentlemen would get bail, but the irony is that they will still have to fund their own defence at a personal cost of millions of dollars, which they will not be able to recover even if found innocent! Maybe they could take out a loan…. Hah hah ha hah ha ha.