To all non Loyal Republicans,

You do not know me. But I am on the lookout for you. You are my enemy. And I am yours

I am Jane Doe, Republican mouthpiece

There is a 29% chance that I am traveling on your plane or riding on your train or at your bus stop or am on your street or am in your subway car or possibly on your lift (but that’s only statistically probable if there are 4 or more people in the lift, obviously).

It is possible that I am your neighbor (unless you live in the Ghetto) or that I am your customer or your classmate or maybe I am your boss.

I am Jane Doe, Republican mouthpiece

I will never forget that the brutal murders of Americans on September the 11th bestow on me, a solemn duty to hate and distrust everything Islamic, and because we are at war, Non Republican.

I will promote the persecution and harassment of all peoples of Arabic appearance and especially those Muslims who dare to offer prayers in public as a reasonable and effective solution to national security.

I will wet my pants in fear and increase my elimantionist rhetoric whenever the Department of Homeland security raises it threat level from “Elevated” to “High”.

I am Jane Doe, Republican mouthpiece

I will interpret Law Enforcement security advice as official approval to intimidate those who don’t look like me.

I will cite individual examples of extremism and violent rhetoric by my ideological opponents as conclusive proof that entire countries and political movements are abhorrent and must be destroyed. I will consistently ignore or make light of such rhetoric from extremists who share my agenda.

I will petition against your hate-mongering leaders. But not mine.

I will raise my voice against your subjugation of women and religious minorities, although I tacitly approve of your authority over women’s wombs, have no problem with your persecution of homosexuals and wish my church could instill your religious discipline in its congregation.

I will challenge your attempts to indoctrinate my children in our schools by promoting alternative curriculums based on sound scientific-religious teachings, like creationism.

I will combat your violent propaganda on the Internet with my violent propaganda on the Internet.

I am Jane Doe, Republican mouthpiece

I will call soldiers who fought for their country traitors if they disagree with my point of view. I will fearlessly insist that America’s military defeats are due to treachery and sedition by the media & hippies rather than outdated, immoral and ineffective political and military strategies.

I will uncritically accept statements issued by my Government because I believe that the image of my Government is more important than substance of its actions or integrity.

I will never allow a rational argument to assuage my deep seated fears. I cannot be diverted by facts or evidence, by experts or witnesses - I am immune to logical persuasion. I will ridicule all those who are not as scared as I am.

I will promote as credible facts and opinions, the work of false prophets, charlatans and ridiculous fools when they corroborate my ideals.

I will subtly blame immigrants and foreigners for all that I believe to be wrong in my country.

I will defend myself from the influence of foreign and repressive regimes by encouraging my Government to reduce the freedoms and liberty of all Americans. My fear of my enemies is so great that I am willing to grant my government the power to monitor, kidnap and torture me – all in the name of Freedom and Democracy.

I will remain immune from irony and steadfastly refuse to empathize with any Non Republicans.
I will not be censored in the name of tolerance but I will seek to denigrate you and anyone who opposes my views by spreading lies, innuendo and partisan observations while complaining about a lack of civility.

I will pretend that the war I supported has in some way protected my family. I will use my fear for my family’s security as justification for the destruction of the lives of other human beings. I will continue to shoot first and ask questions later, no matter how many times I get it wrong.

I support racial profiling regardless of the consequences for innocent Americans or foreigners, and reflect fondly of the days when all potential criminals and saboteurs were preemptively interned.

I will not submit to your will and I will not be intimidated. Unless you are my President or the leaders or financiers of the Republican party. Then I will do whatever you want me to, no matter how depraved or revolting, without question or complaint. I shall allow you, as my leader, to intimidate and scare me with tales of potential horrors beyond my wildest dreams and commit to unquestioningly believe and repeat as warnings to others, these tales of future terrors.

I am Jane Doe, Republican mouthpiece