Dear Prime Minister,

It has recently come to my attention that your designated successor is secretly a sweaty sock. This disturbing revelation concerns me greatly. Did you know that we have fought more wars against the Scottish than against any other country? We have killed less Frenchmen than Scotsmen in the last 500 years and that is an awful lot of dead people. I urge you to force Gordon Brown to undertake the Murray test of loyalty at the earliest possible opportunity, although I would recommend that you have a couple of beefeaters on standby just in case.

Although you have publicly committed to stand down as the Prime Minister of the U.K. some time this millennium, your political career need not be over. The USA does not allow its premier elected official to rule in perpetuity like the UK does and consequently there will be a vacancy for the position of President of the USA in Nov. 2008. This is an exciting opportunity and I would urge you to consider applying for this role before it is too late. As I understand the American election system, all presidential candidates must first be vetted by Karl Rove, which may be challenging although your republican credentials are solid. Your ability to “be discrete” whenever the question of human rights abuses raises its ugly head in the prosecution of the Global War on Terror stands you in good stead. Might I suggest that in spite of your strong pedigree that you consider a couple of pre-emptive strikes in order to “prepare the battlefield”?

Firstly, although your appearance on the Simpsons brought you instant fame in the USA, you might need to control your wife. In the USA, nothing wins you more votes than gay bashing or withdrawing the rights of brown coloured people – President Bush’s recent poll numbers bear out his fact.

Secondly, it is important that you start a war of your own. Afghanistan and Iraq will be chalked up to the big fella, GW Bush and you need to demonstrate your belligerent credentials without help. Might I be so bold as to suggest, France, Luxembourg or Fiji?

Thirdly, you must appear to be as chickenshit as possible. The American people will only respect a leader who has deserted or bailed out of at least one major war. Therefore I suggest that you first declare war on France, then abdicate the throne and join the Territorial Army, only to desert and run to Canada days later. In this manner you will gain the undying love and respect of the American voter and your place as head of the nation will be almost assured.

Finally, you must demonstrate that you are “tough on crime”. I know that this is a common theme in the UK, but in the US, it is vital that you are widely recognised as being a) Chickenshit and b) tough on crime. Please note that either one of these attributes on its own will not earn you the respect of the voters. Therefore I recommend that prior to abdicating you should re-instate the death penalty in the UK. In order not to scare Daily Mail readers, the death penalty should only apply to persons under the age of 18 and only for crimes involving graffiti or playing rap music. It is most important that you allow enough time before re-instating the death penalty and joining the TA to allow for the execution of at least 5 young criminals. Ideally you would leave office with a large backlog of cases pending, which would further enhance your tough guy “Rep”.

Taking the USA is going to be difficult, it will require dedication, devotion to the cause and a mindless ability to repeat yourself, but it can be done. I’d be happy to act as your campaign manager, just drop me a line when you’re ready to begin training. Not a word to John Prescott though, he is a freaking liability and I’ve got you lined up to run with this guy as your wingman. He is widely recognised as bi-partisan and appealing to all sectors of the US populace. There is some other stuff about religion and dedicating your life to expediting the onset of Armageddon, but we can go through this at a later date.

Yours faithfully,

Arthur J. Bladderwait