My Wife is Upset with The New Republic

Dear New Republican’s,

Whilst I appreciate the sentiments expressed in your 25th August article titled “Kashmir on the Thames”, I regret that your assessment of the threats facing American’s does not go far enough. As a proud British racist and a supporter of the British National Party, I am sick and tired of British Muslims continuously being given special treatment. To single this group out as the greatest threat to the safety of American’s is to ignore the very severe threat that women like me and the Great British public in general pose to the security of the American people. Frankly we expected better support in this area of bigotry from a right wing publication like yours

The British people are a violent people. I know that Charlton Heston seems to think that America suffers from gun crime because it Americans have a “violent history”, but we Brits are truly vicious. We’ve been going to war with France every couple of hundred years and our descendants practically invented the crusades. We have slaughtered millions of colonial peoples in the last 200 hundred years alone but this seems to count for nothing in the eyes of your writers, Bergen and Cruickshank. I, and my OAP bingo group enjoy nothing more than spending a Friday night hunting down stray American students or business men, capturing and then tormenting them by repeatedly poking them with sharp, pointy sticks until they say the word “Tomato” or “Aluminium” correctly. Nothing gives me more pleasure than watching one of your over-fed, intellectually challenged countrymen being soundly beaten in a British pub after publicly expressing his admiration for George Bush. You think your biggest problem is British Muslims? You clearly haven’t tried to wear your cowboy hat and shoot your gob off in the “nice” part of Glasgow, or Birmingham, or Manchester or Newcastle.

You may be aware that the Pew Global Attitudes Report recently showed that over 60% of Britons surveyed felt that US actions in Iraq had made the world less safe and only 30% of British people currently think favourably of George Bush. Al Qaeda and the British cowards who attempt suicide attacks are the least of America’s worries – fear the cranky granny’s who abhor your lack of manners, self awareness and ignorance.

Yours sincerely,

Mavis Bladderwait Aged 84

Howells critics Muslim Leaders letter

Dear Dr. Howells,

Congratulations on your robust response to the Open letter sent to the PM today by a number of prominent Muslims. After your recent indiscretion, over the Human rights of the Lebanese, it is encouraging to see that you are back on the straight and narrow and now towing the party line again – you naughty man!

It was vital that someone from the government stepped forward to redirect the issues raised in the letter back to the standard “Terrorists hate Freedom” talking point in order that no one in Government got embarrassed. If one actual reads the letter,

“The debacle of Iraq and now the failure to do more to secure an immediate end to the attacks on civilians in the Middle East not only increases the risk to ordinary people in that region, it is also ammunition to extremists who threaten us all.

Attacking civilians is never justified. This message is a global one. We urge the Prime Minister to redouble his efforts to tackle terror and extremism and change our foreign policy to show the world that we value the lives of civilians wherever they live and whatever their religion. “

We can see the underlying seditiousness and the danger that such thinking might leak out to the electorate. How dare these people state that Iraq has anything to do with creating terrorists? I know that the July 7th bombers mentioned something about it, but they were extremists – they were crazy! We cannot and must not listen to people like them ever. The manner in which we shall defeat all forms of terrorist threats which may face us, is by turning our backs to them, placing our fingers in our ears and shouting “LA LA LA LA I cannot hear you LA LA LA LA”. At least this is how I understand the current US/UK plan for combating terrorism, that and continuing to bomb and shoot Iraqi’s, continuing to ship yet more weapons to Israel whilst threatening Iran and Syria with oblivion.

Anyway, through your comments, you have managed to avoid a discussion about the “justness” of recent UK Foreign Policy and re-direct the discussion back onto the rhetorical and circular one of “Can we really reason with Suicide bombers?” It’s a simple strategy, but for it to succeed we should pray that the British Public are becoming as stupid as their American cousins.

Good Luck with that one,

AJ Bladderwait

Thank yous owed to Tony Blair 12Aug06

Dear Prime Minster,

Many Congratulations on your recent success in securing a UN resolution to bring about a cease fire in the Middle East. A cease fire which brings about a status quo is an important step forward in the peace process and I wonder if you will be demanding any Thank You notes from the Heads of state of Israel or Lebanon? I know that it is not a very British thing to do, but dammit, you put your public credibility on the line to bring about Peace and the least you deserve is a little credit. To that end I have drafted a couple of letters which you could ask your Ambassadors to go and get signed for you:-

1.

Dear Prime Minister Blair,

On behalf of the Israeli people I wish to thank you for your tireless and unwavering support of the State of Israel’s right to kill its neighbours in Self Defence, whilst they sleep in their beds. No other Western Head of State (apart from those we already own via AIPAC) had the moral courage to stand up and watch his Domestic and International credibility disappear whilst refusing to condemn the IDF’s destruction of Lebanon, its Women and Children and any prospect of Peace in the region in our lifetime. Israel owes you a huge debt of thanks.

Shalom,

Prime Minister Ehud Olmert.


2.

Dear Prime Minister Blair,

On behalf of the Lebanese People, may I be permitted to express my heart felt gratitude for your fearless and courageous efforts to ensure that the Human Rights of the Lebanese people were defended during the current conflict. Had you not stood firm and insisted that Israel must be permitted to destroy Lebanon in order to defeat terrorism who knows, much of the Lebanese infrastructure, painstakingly rebuilt after the LAST time Israel destroyed it, would still be standing, over a thousand civilians would still be attached to their limbs and their lives and that is just what the terrorists wanted. It would have been a victory for terrorism. Thank the Lord and Allah that you could see through Hezbollah’s plan that you could see that Israel’s actions were just and merciful and that a lasting peace would prevail. Now that the Israeli’s are victorious we can look forward to a lasting and just peace. I can only reiterate how grateful the Lebanese people are that you refused steadfastly to call for an immediate cease-fire, or a halt to the massive civilian casualties inflicted by the IDF, until a UN resolution to be enforced by the same UNFIL troops who are routinely humiliated by Israel could be arranged.

Thanks once again,

Prime Minister Fouad Siniora.

Don’t be shy Mr. Blair, you have earned these commendations – get your civil service out there to get them signed!

Yours faithfully,


AJ Bladderwait.

Dear Prime Minister,

May I offer my condolences for the terrible burden of guilt you must be feeling presently. It must be crushing to know that the 54 civilians killed during the massacre at Qana, would still be alive if only you had only picked up the phone to the Israeli Prime Minister last week and forthrightly told him to stop attacking civilian targets. Even worse, you must feel directly culpable as it is possible that the children who were blown apart, were killed by one of the plane load of munitions you permitted to transit through the UK bound for the Israeli Air Force last week.

It is a truly terrible burden to bear and many lesser men would have crumbled or at least started to acknowledge of the massive body of dissenting public opinion by now. Not you though, you are an “Iron Lady” in every sense of the word and I have never been prouder of you or my country as I am now in this dark hour.

It was bad enough that since early last week, hundreds of Lebanese children have been killed or horribly injured whilst you refused to call on the Israeli’s to stop the killing them. But now the situation has descended into new depths of tragedy and despair as the press and even your own cabinet are starting to question your symbiotic implementation of President Bush’s masterful Middle East peace plan. Your PR consultants have been overwhelmed and outgunned by the surging tide of negative press that your dogged refusal to hint at any form of condemnation of the Israelis mass killing of civilians, has generated.

It is one thing to have the blood of over a hundred children on your hands, but quite another to be mildly mocked in the press. You must put a stop to it urgently and I therefore commend your far sighted effort to pass a UN resolution calling for a cease fire and installing an international peace keeping force. Nothing can do more to bolster your damaged credibility than insisting that the attacks on civilians cannot stop with a “lasting and permanent peace”. By making Peace in the Middle East a precondition for George Bush to restrain the Israelis, you have almost guaranteed that the conflict will continue indefinitely.

Yours faithfully

AJ Bladderwait.