Dear Ambassador Tuttle,

I am writing to you in order to clarify a couple of definitions over which I feel that your government has become more than a little confused in the past few months years. I know that your nation is a stupid one, with very little of your country’s vast wealth devoted to educating your children so I have been as patronizing as possible when spelling out exactly where you, as a nation, have gone wrong in your English comprehension.

Firstly the definition of “Freedom” is commonly misunderstood. This is a word frequently uttered by President George Bush, yet I fear that he does not fully understand its meaning. Whilst it is difficult to completely and comprehensively define “Freedom”, there are a couple of things which it is not. One of these things is imprisonment without the right to challenge, in an impartial court, such imprisonment. Another thing Freedom is not is torture or mistreatment of any kind when detained by the agents of a government. Several further things which “Freedom” is most definitely not, are: Kidnapping, Detention in secret prisons without access to the law or even the Red Cross, executions and the use of high explosives, especially cluster munitions, on civilians. All of these things should correctly be termed “Wrong”, “Evil” or simply “Disgusting”.

Secondly, the word “Democracy” is frequently used by President Bush to describe his “visions” for the rest of the world. Again, I fear that frequently you American’s have misunderstood the true meaning of the word and that you are often operating under the misguided assumption that your own form of government represents an example of “Democracy”. This is not the case, as in a true democracy, the elected government has responsibilities to the people who elected it. In your country, Politicians, be they Senators or Congressman are more readily available for purchase than hookers. Osama Bin Laden need not engage your country in armed combat, but simply arrive in Washington with a couple of million dollars and some illicit sex workers in order to secure whatever legislation he requires. Similarly, as former President Carter noted, the US Presidential elections are not the International Standards for elections. “Democracy” does not involve Diebold voting machines. “Democracy” does not involve planted journalism to propagate positive new stories. I trust that this explanation has been helpful.

One other thing. Now that your government has legalized the use of torture as an interrogation technique, along with arbitrary detention and extraordinary rendition, I am formally advising you that should any US government representative step foot on my property, I will piss in their eyes. If you try and stop me in the street or try to bring “Freedom & Democracy” to my place of work or to my children, I will attempt to urinate on as many of you as possible. I will defecate on your face, stick my pen in your eye or just beat you with my huge Johnson until you can no longer plea for mercy. It is nothing personal and at all times, I shall act within the law, but if you come for me you better be well armed and ready to take wet casualties, know what I’m saying? You will spread your “Freedom & Democracy” in my country and my neighborhood over my dead body and empty bladder. Idiots.

Anyway – good luck with that War on Terror thing, I hope that all works out well for you and that you don’t kill too many more innocent Afghan/Iraqi/Pakistani civilians or British or Canadian soldiers.

Regards

AJ Bladderwait.