Letter to the Liberal Democrats

Dear Sir. Menzies,

Did you not get the memo? Do you not understand the gravity of the US domestic political situation? President Bush’s popularity ratings are amongst the lowest of any president in history and the US government is prepared to do whatever it takes to make its leader look good. Consequently, in order to play to the extremely powerful Israeli lobby and the Evangelical Christians, it is NOT official US policy to criticise Israel’s killings of Lebanese civilians. Tony Blair understands this and so does David Cameron. Stephen Harper in Canada and John Howard in Australia were also briefed. It seems that Karen Hughes must have missed you off the list – she probably thought that the Libreal Democrats were irrelevant in UK politics. By the way did you know that in the USA, it is officially legal to shoot anyone who calls themselves a liberal (obviously only when they are in season)?

By publicly questioning the Prime Minister to demand that the Israeli’s cease their indiscriminate killing, and by going as far as calling Israel’s actions “Collective Punishment”, you have seriously weakened the West’s fight against Terrorism. Again, had this been the USA you and your followers would have been branded Traitors and castigated by the innumerable (and albeit insufferably stupid) talk show hosts, who would call for your public execution. I would recommend that you make preparations for a little trip to the USA as under our current extradition treaty, it is possible that your presence before a US judge may be “requested” by the US government on account of your seditious behaviour. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

Acquaintances of mine, whom I consider to be communists, have opined that the main area of policy weakness displayed by the Blair government is that of its record on Human Rights. They argue that Blair’s criticism of EU Human rights legislation, his willingness to rapidly and extensively expand the powers of arrest and detention available to the Police, his failure to categorically criticise Guantanamo, secret US gulags, Extraordinary Rendition or the US military’s excessive use of high explosives against civilians in Iraq and Afghanistan has left him looking like a “muppet” on the issue. I deplore you and your party for exploiting this supposed weakness when the security of the free world rests upon his shoulders. Shame on you sir, for taking advantage of the situation and politicking when unquestioning devotion to the cause is what is needed.

Fortunately the official opposition Tory party is more loyal to the Prime Minister and to President Bush, otherwise the PM may have been forced to issue a slightly more strongly worded statement regarding the situation in Lebanon. I am thankful that it did not have to come to that, but lets just say that I’ll be watching you closely in future Sir Menzies Campbell – you have been warned.

AJ Bladderwait