My Wife is Upset with The New Republic

Dear New Republican’s,

Whilst I appreciate the sentiments expressed in your 25th August article titled “Kashmir on the Thames”, I regret that your assessment of the threats facing American’s does not go far enough. As a proud British racist and a supporter of the British National Party, I am sick and tired of British Muslims continuously being given special treatment. To single this group out as the greatest threat to the safety of American’s is to ignore the very severe threat that women like me and the Great British public in general pose to the security of the American people. Frankly we expected better support in this area of bigotry from a right wing publication like yours

The British people are a violent people. I know that Charlton Heston seems to think that America suffers from gun crime because it Americans have a “violent history”, but we Brits are truly vicious. We’ve been going to war with France every couple of hundred years and our descendants practically invented the crusades. We have slaughtered millions of colonial peoples in the last 200 hundred years alone but this seems to count for nothing in the eyes of your writers, Bergen and Cruickshank. I, and my OAP bingo group enjoy nothing more than spending a Friday night hunting down stray American students or business men, capturing and then tormenting them by repeatedly poking them with sharp, pointy sticks until they say the word “Tomato” or “Aluminium” correctly. Nothing gives me more pleasure than watching one of your over-fed, intellectually challenged countrymen being soundly beaten in a British pub after publicly expressing his admiration for George Bush. You think your biggest problem is British Muslims? You clearly haven’t tried to wear your cowboy hat and shoot your gob off in the “nice” part of Glasgow, or Birmingham, or Manchester or Newcastle.

You may be aware that the Pew Global Attitudes Report recently showed that over 60% of Britons surveyed felt that US actions in Iraq had made the world less safe and only 30% of British people currently think favourably of George Bush. Al Qaeda and the British cowards who attempt suicide attacks are the least of America’s worries – fear the cranky granny’s who abhor your lack of manners, self awareness and ignorance.

Yours sincerely,

Mavis Bladderwait Aged 84