US State Department
Chief Legal Advisor

Dear John Bellinger,

In response to your recent comments to the BBC over the extradition of the Nat West three, I believe that I may be able to offer some assistance in improving the perception of the US legal system amongst the British population. Your comment that “This image of the US not being committed to a system of law is troubling…” is very accurate. Many British people find this perception troubling and it is one of the reasons why many British people are unhappy with the concept of extraditing their citizens to the USA. I believe that the underlying causes of this perception are as follows:-

1. President Bush asserts his Authority to disregard any law he sees fit, whenever and without any form of constraint or limitation by the US congress, the US senate or the US Supreme Court. Whilst this action alone does not per se insinuate that the US is not committed to a system of law, it does imply that the US in not committed to a system of law – which is written down in advance. The difference is subtle but many British people prefer their laws organised in this manner.

2. The US government has, when the President deems necessary, redefined its interpretation of international law. An example would be the internationally recognised definition of Torture and Cruel or Inhumane treatment. I personally feel that the Administration’s definition of Torture as the pain approaching, but not equal to that experienced during organ failure, is a very appropriate and accurate one. However, several billion people see it differently.

3. Guantanamo Bay is a reason often given by the British public as to why the UK government should not cooperate with President Bush. Personally I feel that locking Afghani goat herders up for years on end, without trial or access to lawyers or the outside world, hanging them from ceilings and part-drowning them, abusing their religion and locking them up in extreme temperatures is all perfectly legitimate. Sadly, many of my countrymen feel that this is not within the law, any law and so mark down your administration’s performance in this area.

4. Secret US gulags – you may have noticed that the practise of detaining persons in secret is not popular amongst Europeans. Your administration has been slow in justifying these detention centres and as a loyal supporter of President Bush, I would urge you to come forward and forcefully make the case for detaining unknown numbers of people in unknown locations, denying access by the Red Cross and applying interrogation techniques which do not comply with the Geneva Conventions. Once you make your case, I am sure that the majority of the British public will fall into line and support this program.

5. Extraordinary Rendition. The recent spate of kidnapping by the CIA within Europe has made many British voters uncomfortable with the USA’s position on Human Rights. When combined with the issue of Secret Gulags, the re-interpretation of Torture and the extradition of suspects to countries where prisoners routinely experience pain equal to or greater than that experienced during organ failure, the British fears that Human rights are being abused are heightened. However, these perceptions do not exist in a vacuum – it is important that the Administration gets out there and talks up the positives of these programs.

The solution is to get back to basics and focus on the core strengths of the US legal system and the Constitution. Albeit, some of these concepts may need to be updated, but it is possible to create a catchy phrase or two – how about:-

United States of America – we believe that “all men are created equal, except those of non-US citizenship, those who cannot afford health insurance or any others whom the President so decrees.”

Your final comment that “it is very important for the British people to understand that an extradition treaty like this is very much in their interests.” Is good, but needs some more work. For example, would it be possible to give some examples as to exactly how this treaty is in the British public’s interests? I’d suggest that the sales pitch could include:-

a) With only one phone call you too can fly economy to the US in the company of 20 friendly US Marshall tour guides.

b) Excellent exchange rates currently available – take advantage of the devalued US dollar in order to make your legal fees go that extra mile.

c) US federal penalties recently increased, giving you the consumer, the opportunity to maximise your potential stay in the USA.

d) US prison system – a bit less violent than Iraq!

e) US Federal Justice System – Proudly executing the mentally ill.


I hope that this helps and I wish you all the very best in improving the image of the US Justice system amongst the people of Britain.

Yours faithfully,

AJ Bladderwait.

Israeli children writing messages to their neighbours. (A/P photo Sebatsian Scheiner)

A Lebanese child receiving that message.

Please support www.fromisraeltolebanon.info be warned, the photos of the death and destruction are vivid.

Our first reply! The Tories respond

Further excitement ! - I reply to their reply.

Updated Again.

The pant wetting crescendo, the definitive response to my reply further to their response.

Letter to the Liberal Democrats

Dear Sir. Menzies,

Did you not get the memo? Do you not understand the gravity of the US domestic political situation? President Bush’s popularity ratings are amongst the lowest of any president in history and the US government is prepared to do whatever it takes to make its leader look good. Consequently, in order to play to the extremely powerful Israeli lobby and the Evangelical Christians, it is NOT official US policy to criticise Israel’s killings of Lebanese civilians. Tony Blair understands this and so does David Cameron. Stephen Harper in Canada and John Howard in Australia were also briefed. It seems that Karen Hughes must have missed you off the list – she probably thought that the Libreal Democrats were irrelevant in UK politics. By the way did you know that in the USA, it is officially legal to shoot anyone who calls themselves a liberal (obviously only when they are in season)?

By publicly questioning the Prime Minister to demand that the Israeli’s cease their indiscriminate killing, and by going as far as calling Israel’s actions “Collective Punishment”, you have seriously weakened the West’s fight against Terrorism. Again, had this been the USA you and your followers would have been branded Traitors and castigated by the innumerable (and albeit insufferably stupid) talk show hosts, who would call for your public execution. I would recommend that you make preparations for a little trip to the USA as under our current extradition treaty, it is possible that your presence before a US judge may be “requested” by the US government on account of your seditious behaviour. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

Acquaintances of mine, whom I consider to be communists, have opined that the main area of policy weakness displayed by the Blair government is that of its record on Human Rights. They argue that Blair’s criticism of EU Human rights legislation, his willingness to rapidly and extensively expand the powers of arrest and detention available to the Police, his failure to categorically criticise Guantanamo, secret US gulags, Extraordinary Rendition or the US military’s excessive use of high explosives against civilians in Iraq and Afghanistan has left him looking like a “muppet” on the issue. I deplore you and your party for exploiting this supposed weakness when the security of the free world rests upon his shoulders. Shame on you sir, for taking advantage of the situation and politicking when unquestioning devotion to the cause is what is needed.

Fortunately the official opposition Tory party is more loyal to the Prime Minister and to President Bush, otherwise the PM may have been forced to issue a slightly more strongly worded statement regarding the situation in Lebanon. I am thankful that it did not have to come to that, but lets just say that I’ll be watching you closely in future Sir Menzies Campbell – you have been warned.

AJ Bladderwait

Letter to US Ambassador Tuttle. Re: Stuff

Dear Ambassador Tuttle,

As a result of a pub quiz the other week, I would be most grateful if you could assist me in answering a couple of contentious questions on American history and policy which I have been unable to resolutely resolve via the Ready Reference section of your web-site.

1. Is it true that President G.W. Bush has taken more official vacation time than all the other US presidents put together?

2. Can you confirm or deny that Prime Minister Blair is one of the few European leaders to have received a personal back rub from President G.W. Bush?

3. Is it true that the majority of Americans believe that the Dinosaurs roamed the Earth tens of thousands of years ago?

4. Is it possible to be arrested in America for calling President Bush rude names or wearing a T Shirt which mocks Jesus Christ?

Bonus point – Can you be executed for these crimes?

5. If Spiderman and Superman were locked in a small room for years on end and fed only bread and water, when a small piece of cheese is thrown into the room, who is most likely to prevail and consume that piece of cheese?

6. Is President Bush allowed to send anyone he chooses to Guantanamo Bay, or can the Supreme Court or the other elected parts of the government overrule him?

7. Does the pain involved in cutting one’s small finger off (at the first not the second knuckle) reach the level of pain equivalent to, but not equal to that experienced during organ failure?

8. Is it true that over 50% of the current elected Republican Congressmen and Senators are now in jail on charges of Corruption or accepting bribes?

9. Did Al Gore invent the Internet?

10. Is it true that President Bush deserted from the Air National Guard during the Vietnam War but this was allowed because his Dad was the Guvnor?


Thanks for your time and all the best for the War on Terror – we Brits are all proud of the work you chaps are doing in our name. GO USA!

Yours sincerely

AJ Bladderwait.

Letter to Cameron re: Lebanon

Updated below with a response from Tory HQ.
Dear David Cameron,

I am writing to you to express my support for your courageous stance in supporting the Prime Minister as he steadfastly pursues his quest for a holy war in the holy lands. Many of my friends have been asking where are the Tories in opposing the government and challenging them to remain true to core British ideals? I though that I would check your website, and upon reading your statements on the unfolding bloodbath in Lebanon, I was pleasantly surprised to see that, like the Prime Minister are towing the official US policy line, and that you have refused to condemn the Israeli killings of Lebanese civilians. By stating that “Lebanese and Israeli civilians are suffering”, a statement that is undoubtedly true, you cleverly imply that both sides are suffering equally (which is not true) and that the wide-scale bombing of civilian targets by a nation state is morally equivalent to a small group of terrorists firing rockets at Israeli cities. Where you copied into the same memo from Karen Hughes at the USA’s Public relations department?

Like President Bush, I believe that the crisis in the Middle East is a positive development as the world moves inexorably towards Armageddon and the beginning of the Tribulation. At this ordained time I and many other true believers will be sucked from the face of the earth to sit with God, whilst the non-believers are left to suffer the consequences of their heresy as the world descends into chaos of famines and plagues. As I warned the Prime Minster, if you and your family have not already made preparations for the Rapture, I urge to do so urgently – the appointed time is nearly upon us. With your ongoing help we can bring forward this day of doom, and a key part of this plan is for Western governments to avoid any action which may reduce the bloodshed in the Middle East. By refusing to condemn Israel for the killing of almost 300 civilians in Lebanon, you are helping us to maintain our schedule for the Day of Reckoning. Driven by a strong domestic block of voters, US foreign policy has been steadily setting the scene in order that the foretold destruction in the lands around Israel may commence.

It is very important that the conservative opposition support the government and regurgitate the Official US line that the entire conflict is due to Hezbollah and that Israel has every right to kill hundreds of women and children when it calls its actions “self-defence”. By avoiding any mention of the thousands of men, women and children detained with out charge or trial by Israel, by ignoring the destruction of all forms of civilian infrastructure and government in Gaza and now in Lebanon and by remaining mute on the innumerable human rights abuses committed by the state of Israel against millions of Palestinian civilians, we can safely communicate the message that the fate of three soldiers is the key to the lives of millions of impoverished people. Our public response to this crisis will clearly define our approach to human rights and international law as the world watches. Your assistance to the Prime Minister in supporting these injustices is invaluable and will go along way, in my humble opinion, to ensuring that that Rapture occurs at the appointed time, just as God and President Bush intended.

Keep up the good work!

AJ Bladderwait.

The Tories respond:-

Dear Arthur,

Thank you for your email to David Cameron regarding the events unfoldingin the Middle East. The Conservative Party considers the Middle East to be a vital region.It is central to many of the crucial foreign policy challenges we facetoday. We believe it is important to maintain a balanced approach tothe issue which does not give precedence to either of the parties to theconflict.

The escalation of the current crisis to include Lebanon, and thecontinued deterioration of the situation in the Gaza Strip, demonstratethat the conflict has entered into a new and gravely dangerous phase.There is an urgent need for all sides to show restraint and to step backfrom the current crisis. The overriding concern at this time must be thewelfare of innocent civilians caught in the fighting. We have called onboth sides to exercise restraint and to take steps to calm thesituation.

David Cameron has stressed the need for an intense, co-ordinated, andpowerful international effort to end the Lebanon crisis, and bring alasting peace to the Middle East. He welcomed the action being taken toevacuate foreign nationals from Beirut, but emphasised that only byaddressing the long term causes of the conflict can lasting peace beachieved.

David Cameron urged the Prime Minister to spell out the part he intendedto play in a Middle East peace push, asked which nations had signalled awillingness to contribute to the proposed UN security force, andstressed the need to secure implementation of UN Resolution 1559 -requiring the disbandment of the militias and the restoration of fullcontrol to the Lebanese government.

Beyond this immediate crisis it is imperative that we find a route tothe resumption of dialogue between all sides. In particular, it iscrucial that the resumption of negotiations between Israel and thePalestinians on the basis of a two-state solution takes place as soon aspossible.Thank you once again for taking the time and trouble to write.

Yours sincerely,

Alice Sheffield

David Cameron's Office

Updated Again with a reply to the response - behold:

Dear Alice,

Many thanks for your kind reply, I am very grateful that you took the time to respond to my e-mail of the 20th July. You certainly are very efficient in responding to comments from the proletariat when compared to a certain Mr. Blair, who can be rather tardy in these matters.

I wholeheartedly agree that it is important to maintain a balanced approach and not to favour any one side of the conflict when seeking to maintain the tempo of the conflict. After all, should we suggest that one of the most modern and formidable military forces in the world is not on an equal footing to 500 men called Abdul Abdullah (Arabic for “Magnus Magnusson”) who haven’t seen a flushing toilet since birth, we would be seen to be taking sides. Likewise, observing that the most technologically advanced air force, outside of the USA, has blown to smithereens more children under that age of 10 in the last week, than it has certified terrorists, it would be a poor indictment of the claim that the IDF is acting in self defence. Better that we call it quits don’t you think?

On the basis that the IDF is acting in self defence and that its killing of small children is not to be mentioned in polite conversation, does Mr Cameron believe that we are being “soft” on the Iranian terrorists who are attacking our troops in Iraq? Does Mr. Cameron believe that if we are serious about the threat these terrorist chaps pose to democracy and freedom, that “whilst acting in Self Defence”, we should follow the Israeli model and destroy the infrastructure in Southern Iraq and in Iran? I mean if it is reasonable for the IDF to destroy bridges, power plants, water mains, roads, airports and ports, are the British troops in Iraq really trying hard enough? Perhaps David could put this to the PM during PM’s question time?

Many Thanks

Arthur J. Bladderwait.

The Beautiful and gracious Alice responds to my response:-

Dear Arthur,

Thank you for your response - which has been noted.

Yours sincerely,

Alice Sheffield
David Cameron's Office House of Commons London SW1A 0AA

Yo Blair!,

A lot has happened since I wrote to you yesterday, firstly there appears to be some dissent amongst readers of my blog as to whether the Rapture is actually going to occur and therefore some have questioned the wisdom of encouraging the onset of Armageddon. However, I apply the 1% doctrine as defined by VP Dick Cheney, so if there is a 1% chance that I might be plucked from thin air and whisked up to heaven while the earth is consumed by chaos, plagues and famine, I will treat that possibility as a certainty. Hence, I wish to share with you some good news on our shared journey towards the afterlife, which may not have reached your desk yet.

John Bolton, the friendly face of American diplomacy and defender of democracy and freedom, was the only representative to display the moral courage necessary to veto a UN Security Council resolution which would have called on Israel to cease its “disproportionate use of force” and called on the Palestinians to release the abducted Israeli soldier and stop firing rockets into Israel. Although no one takes UN Security Council resolutions seriously, this was a close call and I would urge you to personally thank Mr Bolton for using his considerable international diplomatic credentials to avert a potential slow down in the conflict. A cease fire between the warring parties at this stage is too early, there has not been enough killing yet to convince me that we have tipped over the edge and that the second coming is assured.
Mr Bolton’s statement that there is no Moral equivalence between the Palestinian, Lebanese or Canadian civilians killed in Israel’s attacks and the Israeli civilians killed in rocket attacks was an important point. Without clarifying that Gods Chosen People are worth more than the other people of the world, it becomes very difficult for us all to credibly defend US Foreign Policy in the region.

The Israeli’s have started to attack UN positions in Southern Lebanon. UNFIL has reported one soldier seriously injured as 2 of its observation posts suffered direct hits from Israeli forces. 15 other observation posts reported near misses. This is great news as it indicates Israel’s total disregard for the international community and the sovereignty of Lebanon. I believe that this is a precursor to a large scale invasion of Lebanon, which is sure to bring much more bloodshed.

Israel has now killed almost 200 Lebanese Civilians in six days. This is a significant achievement and does not include the 4 Canadian children, whose house was hit directly by an Israeli missile. I am extremely pleased by the resolve shown by yourself, the Canadian PM Stephen Harper, George Bush and of course John Bolton. It is vital that no matter how many civilians and small children are brutally killed or maimed, that no Coalition leader publicly deviates from the official US line on Israel, ie, Israel is defending itself and acting with restraint, whilst being mercilessly attacked by terrorists.

This task will become more difficult over time, Prime Minister and I wonder if you have the steely determination, the raw courage and honest to god moral conviction of Stephen Harper, to tow the American policy line even after Israel killed 8 Canadians, including 4 children by blowing up their house. So strong is Mr Harper’s conviction and dedication, that even under the toughest questioning, he refused to even condemn Israel and regurgitated President Bush’s assessment that Hezbollah are responsible for all the deaths. When British citizens are inevitably killed by Israel’s bombs, will you have the same certainty of purpose, the same courage to resolve Israel of blame and point the finger at the “terrorists”?

Yours faithfully,

AJ Bladderwait

15th July 2006

Dear Prime Minister,

Upon reading your Official Spokespersons statement on the 13th July regarding the beginning of Armageddon in the Middle East, I must confess that I was more than a little concerned that you were publicly demanding that Israel refrain from killing further civilians by ceasing its attacks on the remaining bridges, roads, ports and airports, water systems and power plants in Gaza and Lebanon. However upon re-reading the statement I now comprehend the subtlety and delicate composure of your policy position. By calling for both sides to exercise restraint and then expressing a desire to “avoid finger pointing”, you have managed to very cleverly position the idea that both sides in this conflict are equally matched, that both sides attacks on civilian populations are equally as bad. By repeatedly calling for the release of the captured Israeli soldiers, without once mentioning the 1000 plus Palestinians, including women and children who are detained, indefinitely and without charge or trial, in Israeli jails, you have subtly pointed the finger of blame, whilst at the same time calling for us to “avoid finger pointing”!

It is important that your statements do not to try and equate the actual number of Palestinian, Lebanese and Israeli civilians killed in this conflict, as this would simply show up the huge disparity in the effects of the Israeli’s American build bombs, missiles and artillery shells versus the homemade rockets of Hamas and Hezbollah in killing civilians. Similarly, by repeatedly asserting Israel’s right to self defence, but never questioning the sincerity of Israel’s apologies for the inevitable deaths of women and children which occur whenever Israel exercises that right, you are stating (without actually saying so) that you accept the routine loss of civilian life as a natural consequence. After all, even the US Air force in Iraq or Afghanistan struggles to “accidentally” kill 82 civilians in a matter of days.

As a devout supporter of President Bush and his church, I see all this blood-shed a necessary evil and a positive step towards the End of Time and the beginning of “The Tribulation”. Like George Bush, I believe that when these days come, I will experience “The Rapture” and be whisked up to heaven directly to sit with God. All those who have not accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Saviour will be left behind to perish in what we believe will probably be a nuclear holocaust on Earth. In order to save yourself form this fate I recommend that you and your family quickly reassess your faith and ensure that you have taken the proper steps to make certain your own “rapture” at the appointed time. The 70th week and the beginning of the Tribulation begins when God calls the people of Israel to repent and accept Jesus Christ. Therefore like most of the US population, I believe that the violence in the Middle East is a necessary step and is actually part of God’s message. The Arab’s are the enemies of the people of Israel, Gods chosen people and therefore, as I understand modern American Christian teachings, it is quite OK for true believers to kill them, or have the Israeli’s do it, either is fine.

I also note that you have dispatched two Royal navy ships to the Middle East and I trust that they will be supporting the US military forces with the invasion of Lebanon, in order to spread more democracy, freedom and Christian values? It is very important that we continue to support the US as it purses its policy of bringing the Word of God to the heathen peoples of the world and I’m sure that your actions will stand you in good stead when the Time of Judgement comes.

Yours faithfully,

AJ Bladderwait

Dear Prime Minister,

It has recently come to my attention that your designated successor is secretly a sweaty sock. This disturbing revelation concerns me greatly. Did you know that we have fought more wars against the Scottish than against any other country? We have killed less Frenchmen than Scotsmen in the last 500 years and that is an awful lot of dead people. I urge you to force Gordon Brown to undertake the Murray test of loyalty at the earliest possible opportunity, although I would recommend that you have a couple of beefeaters on standby just in case.

Although you have publicly committed to stand down as the Prime Minister of the U.K. some time this millennium, your political career need not be over. The USA does not allow its premier elected official to rule in perpetuity like the UK does and consequently there will be a vacancy for the position of President of the USA in Nov. 2008. This is an exciting opportunity and I would urge you to consider applying for this role before it is too late. As I understand the American election system, all presidential candidates must first be vetted by Karl Rove, which may be challenging although your republican credentials are solid. Your ability to “be discrete” whenever the question of human rights abuses raises its ugly head in the prosecution of the Global War on Terror stands you in good stead. Might I suggest that in spite of your strong pedigree that you consider a couple of pre-emptive strikes in order to “prepare the battlefield”?

Firstly, although your appearance on the Simpsons brought you instant fame in the USA, you might need to control your wife. In the USA, nothing wins you more votes than gay bashing or withdrawing the rights of brown coloured people – President Bush’s recent poll numbers bear out his fact.

Secondly, it is important that you start a war of your own. Afghanistan and Iraq will be chalked up to the big fella, GW Bush and you need to demonstrate your belligerent credentials without help. Might I be so bold as to suggest, France, Luxembourg or Fiji?

Thirdly, you must appear to be as chickenshit as possible. The American people will only respect a leader who has deserted or bailed out of at least one major war. Therefore I suggest that you first declare war on France, then abdicate the throne and join the Territorial Army, only to desert and run to Canada days later. In this manner you will gain the undying love and respect of the American voter and your place as head of the nation will be almost assured.

Finally, you must demonstrate that you are “tough on crime”. I know that this is a common theme in the UK, but in the US, it is vital that you are widely recognised as being a) Chickenshit and b) tough on crime. Please note that either one of these attributes on its own will not earn you the respect of the voters. Therefore I recommend that prior to abdicating you should re-instate the death penalty in the UK. In order not to scare Daily Mail readers, the death penalty should only apply to persons under the age of 18 and only for crimes involving graffiti or playing rap music. It is most important that you allow enough time before re-instating the death penalty and joining the TA to allow for the execution of at least 5 young criminals. Ideally you would leave office with a large backlog of cases pending, which would further enhance your tough guy “Rep”.

Taking the USA is going to be difficult, it will require dedication, devotion to the cause and a mindless ability to repeat yourself, but it can be done. I’d be happy to act as your campaign manager, just drop me a line when you’re ready to begin training. Not a word to John Prescott though, he is a freaking liability and I’ve got you lined up to run with this guy as your wingman. He is widely recognised as bi-partisan and appealing to all sectors of the US populace. There is some other stuff about religion and dedicating your life to expediting the onset of Armageddon, but we can go through this at a later date.

Yours faithfully,

Arthur J. Bladderwait

12th July 2006

Dear Prime Minister,

It is with great satisfaction that I note that the extradition proceedings against Mr Gary McKinnon, Mr Babar Ahmad and the so called “Nat-West 3” are proceeding rapidly. I would like to congratulate you and your team for showing such outstanding leadership in this area. Ever since the 2003 UK-US extradition treaty was signed I have been eagerly anticipating the first set of extraditions of UK subjects to the USA.

Frankly I can’t stand bankers or computer nerds, so shipping as many of these people as possible off to the States is a fantastic idea. Outsourcing our justice system in this way is a brilliant solution to the overcrowding in the UK prison system and I commend you for your creativity in addressing the problem.

I am a little concerned however, that some of these men will spend a year or two sitting in a maximum security prison in Texas while they await trial. As you may be aware, the Texas prison system is one of the most brutal anywhere in the world, with 2 prisoner rapes reported every day. The Texas Department of Criminal Justice noted in a 1999 training manual that “three out of ten newly admitted offenders will be forcibly raped within 48 hours.” Between the period of 1996 and 2004, the number of alleged sexual assaults within the Texas prison system increased by 600%, while the prison population grew by only 20%. Now I’ve got no real problem sending the thieving bank managers off to jail without a trial, after all the interest rates on my credit card are proof enough of their crimes, but I do think that having them raped in a maximum security prison is a little harsh. Perhaps you could arrange for them to be sent to Guantanamo or one of the US’s secret gulags instead? I’m sure that they would all thank you for it – maybe Nat-West might sort you out a discount on your mortgage?

As for the alleged computer nerd, McKinnon, I want to see him shipped off as soon as possible. My computer once got infected by a virus and whilst I can’t be certain that it was the work of this McKinnon fellow, you can’t be sure can you? Also, I think that he may actually be some kind of a mastermind, a ringleader akin to that Osama chappy. McKinnon’s excuse that he was searching for secret files about UFO’s on the US Department of Defence computer systems is a cunning deception. By accessing their systems he forced the US DoD to take time out of fighting the Global War on Terror and instead spend time putting tedious passwords on their computers. This is the work of a crazed genius – he must be stopped!

The maximum US jail time for his crimes is 50 years, which is pathetic and in no way appropriate for an individual who has clearly displayed such reckless regard for human life and the sanctity of government computer systems. He has clearly terrorised and harassed the US government and he clearly hates freedom and must be sent to Guantanamo for trial by a military tribunal. After sitting there for 5 years or so, most of the time in solitary confinement, routinely being hung for the ceiling, occasionally taken out of his cell for a semi-drowning and then being forced to listen to the odd Eminem or Metallica album, I’m sure he’ll see the light and confess all. Maybe he’ll even inform his interrogators how I can get my corrupted files back. In this event, I’d be very grateful if you’d write to me and let me know, thanks in advance.

As for the case of Babar Ahmad, I’ve got no doubt that this man has nothing to fear from the US authorities, after all they have always displayed impartiality, respect for the rule of law, the highest standards of care for prisoners in their custody - especially those detained as part of the ongoing Global War on Terror. Mr Ahmad’s claims that he was assaulted by British policemen upon his initial arrest are so outrageous that we should not have to respond to them, I mean it’s just preposterous to think that a British copper would beat up a man in custody. I suggest you ensure he is shipped out without delay, preferably before the rabble rousing press have time to air any nasty rumors about his arrest. Perhaps the CIA could “render” him to an Eastern European country or to one of their gulags? That way you could avoid any of the inevitably damaging press attention surrounding his extradition.

Finally, my neighbour, Mr. Davis is Welsh and also an annoying moron. He routinely allows his cat to use my front lawn as a toilet and I’m sick of it. I complained to the Police but they tell me that this is a civil matter and that they can’t arrest him, which is disappointing. However, it is my understanding that although the British courts do not have the tools to deal this kind of terrorism, the US courts do! My plan is to write to the US embassy, inform them of his crimes (he occasionally says some quite rude things about President Bush, which I understand is illegal in the USA) and they will have him extradited. Then the anti-terrorist branch can arrest him, maybe rough him up a little and verbally abuse him, (I don’t ask for too much, just a little strangulation or something) and have him shipped out. The best thing about this plan is that Davis can’t even complain to the UK courts, its fool-proof! To this end, I’d very grateful if you could forward the appropriate contacts within the US embassy so that I can brief them on Davis’s crimes and get the ball rolling.

Yours faithfully,

Arthur J Bladderwait.

PS I note with concern that the meddling House of Lords and the House of commons has opposed the existing treaty, however I commend your steely determination to see American justice done, by insisting that the extraditions proceed. The thing I admire most about your leadership is your iron will and determination in the face of overwhelming public opinion. For me you are almost as great a leader as Mrs Thatcher, the original “Iron Lady”. I know that you had to make some concessions, like ensuring that the three gentlemen would get bail, but the irony is that they will still have to fund their own defence at a personal cost of millions of dollars, which they will not be able to recover even if found innocent! Maybe they could take out a loan…. Hah hah ha hah ha ha.